It Doesn't Matter
by Breniah
Summary: Sam and Jack reflect on things after 100 days
1. Sam's Point Of View

TITLE: It Doesn't Matter (Sam's POV)  
  
AUTHOR: Breniah  
  
EMAIL: breniah@hotmail.com  
  
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, other important people do  
  
SUMMARY: Sam reflects on things  
  
SPOILERS: 100 Days and Shades of Gray (kinda)  
  
RATING: PG I guess  
  
CATEGORY: S/J, angst  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm not generally big on angst, I much prefer happy fluff. I have no idea where this came from, I just had to write it. Also, I hate the title so if anyone has better ideas, please stand and shower me with them.  
  
******  
  
I can't be with him.  
  
That one single thought hurts more than I ever thought possible.  
  
It keeps reverberating in my head, over and over, like a mantra.  
  
I don't know when the realisation struck. I don't really care. I just wish it would go away. I never realised a person could feel this much hurt and still be alive. Of course, there is a difference between emotional pain and physical pain.  
  
Janet is worried about me. She thinks I am pushing myself too far, like I did when I tried to get Jack… Colonel O'Neill back from Edora. I guess I am pushing myself too much. I see her frown at me when I work back late or take my work home with me. The guys have also begun to worry about me too, in their clumsy way. But until someone says something I don't have to worry about it. Until they say something, I am *unaware* that they are worried. I have that to hide behind at least.  
  
I can't be with him.  
  
The thought surfaces again in my mind and re-enforces the pain that comes with that knowledge. I can't be with him. I can't be with him. Maybe if I keep saying it, it will get easier to hear. I can't be with him. Well that didn't work.  
  
It hurts so much, like its choking me. Deep in the pit of my stomach, there is this hollowness, gut wrenching emptiness that I carry with me day after day. I don't know how to get rid of it. Every time I see him it comes back. It hurts to see him and not be with him. It hurts not to see him. It just hurts. I feel like a petulant child that can't understand why this is happening. I guess I am in a way.  
  
I reach over and grab my notes on the mission we had just gotten back from. Less than a minute later I shoved them away and sigh. It was a good mission, safe yet interesting. I guess the spark is gone. The line between loving my work and loving it because of him has blurred. I can't work without thinking of him. And I'm not sure why I work so hard anymore.  
  
What pains me the most is the reason I can't be with him.  
  
It's me. I can't be with him because of me. Forget the regulations, forget what he feels, I can't be with feeling like this. Maybe a few months ago it wouldn't have been a problem. Actually I know it wouldn't have been a problem because I wasn't feeling like this. But something happened, and everything I feel is now being called into question.  
  
I love him. I hate him. I love him. I hate him. They are of the same thing. Different sides of the same coin. But it's the rest that gets me. I am hurting. All I want to do is turn around and make him hurt like I do. I still feel anger, jealousy, shock, lust, fear, panic and a myriad of other emotions that I have no names for. It's like they are all floating around inside me and I never know which one will surface when I am next around him. It's getting dangerous and that's why I can't be with him. Plus, I don't know if I can live with loving him.  
  
All I can think to do is run, run away for a while. Get away from the source of my problems and deal with my emotions somewhere where they aren't on display every other day. But how can you leave someone you love? How can you bring yourself to do that? Where do you find the strength?  
  
It all happened so fast. All these emotions came out of the blue. Ok so that's not *entirely* true. If I'm totally honest with myself, and I guess we have to be at times, I've been feeling a lot of things already and just pushed them back down under the surface, hiding them away as if they were something to be ashamed of. Bottling them up until they exploded. And oh my, the fireworks were *oh* so pretty when it did happen.  
  
I think his sarcasm has rubbed off onto me.  
  
There is just too much to think about, too much to feel. I must have leave owing. I'll ask General Hammond in the morning. It's time to get away for a while. 


	2. Jack's Point of View

She's hurting. I can see that she's hurt. Hell if I can see it, it must be bad. It's in her eyes every time she looks at me and I have to wonder what I have done wrong. Oh believe me I know what I have done wrong. Daniel, Janet and Teal'C have all made various mentions to my indiscretions. I know what my actions have done to her but this is something else. And I have no fucking idea what it is.  
  
She looks listless, there's no life in her eyes as she explains the latest piece of technology to us. It's like she doesn't care about anything any more. She doesn't care about her work, about Janet and Daniel's concern, about making me smile. As selfish as it is, that one hurts the most. She used to do things, make things, with the alien technology just because I asked her to. And I always knew she would figure it out and get it done for me. Ok so now it sounds like my ego has inflated beyond the Good Year Blimp but its true. She would crack it just to make me smile at her, the same way I cracked jokes, just to see her smile at me.  
  
She doesn't smile at my jokes now. Somewhere along the line, something went wrong and she doesn't smile for me. Man that hurts more than I thought possible and made me realise how much I care for her, more than I ever knew.  
  
I knew I had hurt her with the Lara thing and then again with the "Yeah never liked you guys anyway" approach I took to my undercover mission. You don't have to be a brain surgeon to have figured that one out. But it's not that. When she looks at me I can feel her confusion, her hate, her love, her anger, her jealousy, her lust and her hurt. They hit me from every side of my being and I have to wonder what made her feel so much and how she can bear it. Hell, I can't bear it and I only get the residual effects.  
  
I wish she would talk to me. In a way I fear what she would say to me but anything, even a tirade of hate and anger would be better to the indifferent silence she is showing me now. I love her. I love her so much. Danny shook his head sadly at me when I realised. He thinks it might be too late for us. But it can't be too late. It simply can't be. I feel too much for her, its so much more than love and there are no adequate words for how she completes me. How she makes me 'me'.  
  
Get a grip Jack, you're losing it. What's with all the flowery 'Nancy Boy' wording?  
  
Shut up! You love her! Say what you feel!  
  
The one thing the warring sides of my mind do agree on is that I have fucking idea what to do. It's frustrating and terrifying but I honestly have no idea.  
  
I wish I did. 


	3. It DOES Matter

Daniel walked down the corridor of the SGC, his nose stuck in his journal of SG1's latest mission. As he rounded the corner he collided with General Hammond, who as luck would have it, had been searching for him.  
  
"Sorry General," Daniel said barely looking up before continuing on his way.  
  
"Dr Jackson?"  
  
Daniel stopped and turned back to the General. "Yes sir?"  
  
"I would like to talk to you in private about SG1's last mission," he paused noticing the book in Daniel's hands. "Is that your journal on the mission?"  
  
Daniel clutched the journal to him, looking for an instant terrified. General Hammond watched him steadily for a moment and then said, "Dr Jackson, my office, 10 minutes."  
  
Daniel nodded slowly and satisfied, the General walked away.  
  
  
  
hr  
  
  
  
"So Dr Jackson, perhaps you would like to tell me what is going on?" General Hammond asked when they were comfortably seated in his office.  
  
Daniel looked up at him innocently.  
  
Hammond sighed and expanded on his question. "What is going on with SG1? Don't tell me nothing has happened because that last briefing was the most restrained and subdued debriefing I have ever seen. So perhaps you would like to inform me what the hell happened on your last mission that caused this dramatic and detrimental change to SG1's team dynamics?"  
  
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Nothing happened on the last mission General," he said slowly, his tone saying more than his words.  
  
"Is it Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter?" Hammond asked, trying a different tack.  
  
Daniel jumped in his seat, looking guiltily at the General. He sighed in resignation. Rubbing a hand across tired eyes he began, "It started when Jack was stranded on Edora. You know that there has always been something between them, something they both kept hidden from themselves. I guess it all started to come to the surface then. And then when Jack had to pretend he was a bad guy…" Daniel trailed off.  
  
General Hammond waited while Daniel put his thoughts into words. "It not that they have exploded at each other or anything. They haven't fought with each other. It's like Sam is feeling so much towards Jack, she hates him, she loves him, is hurt by him and as a result wants to hurt him back. Jack… well Jack…. He sort of doesn't know what's going on. He knows Sam is emotionally unstable because of him, but he doesn't know what she's feeling or what he can do to change it."  
  
"Well that begs the question, what can we do about it?"  
  
"But General even if they do get themselves 'sorted' out, the regulations are still in the way."  
  
"Let's get them talking first to each other first, get them to be friends again. Don't worry about the regs. If they decide they want to be together then I will see what I can do, but until they are talking there is little point in rocking the boat."  
  
Daniel smiled at the General and said, "Well, let's get them talking."  
  
  
  
hr  
  
  
  
"Colonel O'Neill to General Hammond's office, Major Carter to General Hammond's office," came a voice over the PA.  
  
Sam looked up accusingly at the speaker, as if glaring at it would make it stop, do a 180, and tell her that the General didn't need to see her after all. She sighed and pushed her keyboard away. She began tiding her notes, pushing papers around her desk stalling for time.  
  
"Major?"  
  
She turned at the sound of O'Neill's voice to see him standing just outside her lab. She nodded her head curtly and said, "Sir."  
  
He looked at her for a moment, studying her stiff posture and abrupt manner. He held in a sigh of exasperation, this was no time to get her angry at him. "Care to walk me to the General's office?" he asked in a uh- oh-I-got-in-trouble-again voice, a playful grin on his face.  
  
Sam allowed herself a small smile, he could be so cute some times. Then she remembered what else he could be and replied in a stiffly correct military manner, "Yes sir."  
  
This time Jack didn't hold back his sigh. 'At least I got a semblance of a smile,' he thought to himself as they walked down the corridors of the SGC, a very proper 18 inch distance between them.  
  
  
  
hr  
  
  
  
Without preamble the General began, "It has come to my notice that there is some tension and hostility between the members of SG1. There is to be no more of it. Whatever else you two are or were or may be you are still soldiers under my command and I expect you both to act in an appropriate military manner. Do I make myself clear?" At their nod he stood up. "Dismissed."  
  
Without looking at each other they left his office and began strolling back to their separate quarters. "So Carter?" Jack said before she could walk away, "Wanna go topside and grab a coffee?"  
  
She looked at him and was about to say yes to his peace offer. Then she remembered how he treated her on Edora and all her resentment and anger came rushing back. Quietly, so as not to draw attention to them, she said very precisely "Fuck you sir. You can take your olive branch and stick it…"  
  
"Major!" he interrupted her.  
  
"Fine, whatever. Good day sir!" She turned and strode off, leaving Jack desolate, standing there watching her walk away.  
  
  
  
hr  
  
  
  
Jack grabbed a beer from the fridge, whistling a jaunty tune as he did so. He sat back down in front of the TV and grimaced. No faux happiness for Jack. He downed the beer quickly and tossed it over his shoulder, unconcerned as the glass shattered behind him. He leaned across the coffee table and grabbed a bottle of scotch and a tumbler. He poured himself some and after a large gulp, sat back on the couch more contented, convinced he was well on his way to forgetting all about his fight with Carter, if only for a night.  
  
Halfway through the bottle he began to lose his grip on reality. Talking to the fluffy purple cushion Sam had gotten him as a joke was making him sad. It was such a pretty cushion. He picked it up and hugged it to his chest, imagining it was her. Three drinks later and he passed out, his head on the cushion.  
  
hr  
  
  
  
Sam stood uncertainly outside his front door, beginning to doubt the necessity of her impromptu visit. Sighing she knocked gently, they had to talk and hesitating wasn't going to help at all, except to increase her fear and nervousness.  
  
After waiting a moment, she knocked again. She opened the door, surprised to find it unlocked and called softly, "Sir?" Not hearing a response, she walked into the foyer and closed the door behind her. "Jack?" she said more loudly. "Are you here?"  
  
She stepped into the living room and an involuntary giggle escaped her as she saw the recumbent form of her CO. She giggled again and then quickly stifled it, not wanting to wake him. She studied him for a moment, pouring herself a glass of his scotch as she did so. He really did look totally ridiculous, crossed legged on the couch, clutching the purple pillow she gave desperately, as if it were a lifeline.  
  
She laughed out right, unable to stem the tide of hilarity that sprung upon her. He had hated the pillow when she had first given it to him with a saucy smile and a cheekily asked, "Does it threaten your masculinity Colonel?" Now he was hugging it to him as if it was he most prized possession. She sat down next to him and gently stroked his hair. He shifted slightly and she froze, thinking she had woken him.  
  
He settled down again soon, this time with his head on the pillow in her lap, snuggling up against her. He began to snore softly letting her know he was asleep once more. She sighed in frustration at her immobility. He had unconsciously and successfully pinned her down until the morning came. She considered pushing him off her lap and fleeing while she still could but they had to talk about was happening to them. And looking down at him, sleeping against her like an innocent child she realised she didn't have the heart to move him. She snuggled down and waited for sleep to come.  
  
When she next opened her eyes, she realised that morning had come and Jack was still sleeping peacefully. She rubbed her hands over her eyes, trying not to wake Jack as she did so. She looked down at him, only to find a pair of deep brown eyes staring sluggishly up at her.  
  
"Sam," he murmured contentedly, snuggling deeper towards her. His face was so open and so full of love she thought she might cry, but a moment later his defences were back up and he looked 'military' again. He began to struggle to get up, wincing as the light stung his eyes. Sam gently pushed him back down to her, wrapping her arms around him as she did so, so he was more propped up against her. He let himself be moved, snaking his arms around her at the same time. She rested her head on his and just listened to him breathe.  
  
Minutes or hours later, she spoke softly against his hair, "I'm sorry Jack. I truly am. I just didn't know how to control it. I couldn't control it. It was just there."  
  
Jack reached up and stroked her cheek gently. "Shh Sam. No one can control what they feel. It just happens. Lord knows I deserved it." His arms tightened around her. "Thank you for coming last night. I don't know what made you come, but thank you."  
  
"I had to try and talk things through with you. Lords knows it couldn't get much worse than it already was." Jack grunted his assent at that. "Besides, it was therapeutic. When I saw you clutching that fluffy pillow…" she trailed off, giggling hysterically again at the memory.  
  
Jack smiled. "Hey no giggling," he said, poking her in the side. He grew sombre and continued "This might be the last thing you want to hear at the moment Sam but I love you. I never realised till I thought you hated me and I was so desperate to try and show you. But all that doesn't matter now, I just want us to be friends again. I just wanted to say it, to hear myself say it, to know that you heard me say it to you once."  
  
She bent down and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you too Jack. It's just…" she trailed off not knowing what she really wanted to say.  
  
"Not the right time? It's not enough? You hate me too? The regulations? My dress sense?"  
  
She smacked sharply on the head, smiling as she did so. "Yeh, I mean its all of that. But there is something else I can't explain. It's just a feeling."  
  
Jack began shifting nervously. "It's not Marty is it? Please tell me its not him. Lie to me if you have to but please don't say it has something to do with him!"  
  
She laughed at his stricken look and assured him it had NOTHING at all to do with Martouf. "But Jack, I do love you. Since our profession is so dangerous, I wanted to say it out loud so neither of us have regrets. But I don't think I can handle anything more at the moment. Let's get SG1 back to normal and then we'll see about us."  
  
He smiled up at her radiantly. "Samantha, I will happily wait for as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable around me again. I must admit, its nice that you can look at me again, and smile at me again."  
  
"Well I admit that seeing you clutch the purple fluffy pillow to you raised your stock a few notches. But I'm not promising you anything. I can't."  
  
Jack nodded. It was best that they both had some time to get over all the feelings of resentment and anger rather than forcing the issue.  
  
Sam pushed herself up off the couch causing Jack's head to unceremoniously hit the couch. He pulled himself up and looked at her mock accusingly. "Carter?" he growled threateningly.  
  
"Coffee Jack?" she asked innocently.  
  
"You can you olive branch and stick it…"  
  
"Jack!"  
  
"Hey that's what you said to me Major! Besides, you do not abuse a hangover man's head like that. That is dangerous to everyone's health."  
  
'So was that a yes to coffee sir?" Sam asked, hands on her hips and smiling at him like she used to do.  
  
He walked over to her and put his arms around her waist, daring her to push him away. Instead she reached up and kissed him, an intense and passionate kiss. She pulled away and walked into the kitchen, "Remember that kiss Jack, it'll be a long while till your next one."  
  
He sighed and mentally smacked himself for imposing the torture upon himself. Although once he began watching her move around his kitchen, making the coffee he smiled. He had hope now, hope that one day it would all work itself out and that they would be together. All that mattered at the moment was that they were friends again and for the first time in weeks he felt secure that they were.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
